Next Meeting: Thursday, 29 January, at 6:30 p.m.
at the Tustin Marketplace Corner Bakery (13652 Jamboree Road, Irvine)
HIGH ACTION SCENE from LITTLE BROTHER by Cory Doctorow
I love this book. Such great writing. Addicting and engaging characters. And as ambitious a storyline I’ve read in a long time. It’s all the best parts of Orwell’s 1984 with brilliant teenagers being daring enough to try to take down Big Brother. Frickin rad!
So I decided to study it a bit to see what I could learn from the writing. I can’t post the original selection from the novel, but here’s my breakdown. Let me know if you get any epiphanes.
____________________________________________________________
From p.320-321 in Cory Doctorow’s LITTLE BROTHER — end of chapter 19
____________________________________________________________
WORDCOUNT FOR SELECTION = 486
VERB ANALYSIS
32 STRONG VERBS = teased, snuffled, twitched, shot out, grinding, gasped, grabbed punching, grind, shatter, swallowed, crushing, banging, shattered, yelped, spasmed, snatched, shove, walled in, grunt, slithering, clanging, thump, scrambled, dragged, slamming, screamed, padlocked, delete, poised, slap, shove, dove
43 WEAK“er” VERBS = WAS—5x, HAD—7x, turned, reached, knew, made, stopping, stared, staring, taking, bit, crying, continued, didn’t say, felt, showed, moved, asked, look, find, moved, brought it down, hit, went, still moving, reaching, moved, heading, felt, fell down, heard, must have caught, didn’t
20 “ING” VERBS
4 FIGURATIVE LANGUAGE = fast as a snake, like it would shatter, like a gong, like Pharoah in a tomb
SENTENCE STRUCTURE
2 SIMPLE SENTENCES
2 SIMPLE W/ COMPOUND VERB
5 COMPOUND SENTENCES W/ COMMA
3 COMPOUND SENTENCE W/O COMMA
5 COMPLEX SENTENCES
2 COMPOUND COMPLEX SENTENCES
12 PARTICIPLE PHRASES (“ing” or “ed”)
3 DIALOGUE
SURPRISES for me:
How many “ing” participle phrases he uses. I’ve heard many people say that “comma + ing particple” slows down your action scenes, that you should use more hard “ed” verbs and simple sentences. But Mr. Doctorow proves otherwise.
The sentence structure. In action scenes, “shorten the sentence length.” “Make it feel faster with short punchy lines.” That’s what I’ve heard anyway. Yet when I look at his structure, he’s got only 4 Simple sentences. 8 Compound, 5 Complex, and a whopping 12 Comma/Participle phrases (sometimes even back to back).
Also a bit shocking was the number of what people would call “weak” verbs. “Make your verbs stronger.” “I’ve highlighted all your ING and WASes. They slow the action and pull me out of it.” Doctorow’s strong verbs are definitely strong, but very few are scouring the barrel of unique action verbs. Which is pretty befuddling because the voice in this novel is SO unique and fresh. But that voice isn’t coming during this particular action scene. He used “move” 4x, “felt” a couple of times, “stare” 2x, and “went / find / turn / look / made / continue.”
Of course, rules are made so that the masters can break them. But on the pre-publication side of the curtain, I wonder how many rules are made up by pre-pubbers, who are still figuring out the ropes themselves. Like me.
28 July meeting notes; 4 August reading list
28 JULY MEETING NOTES
Eight people attended: Glenda, Melodye, Burt, Jonathan (read 1-1/2 chapters of BUMMIN’ IT), Stace, Casey, Julia, and Jo (1st-time newcomer).
News & Notes
The question was raised: Is one person allowed to read twice in the same night?
… assuming…
(1) there’s enough time remaining,
(2) he/she is next on the list after being moved to the bottom for the 1st reading, and
(3) he/she has copies of both batches.
This issue would arise on the rare nights when only 1 or 2 people bring material, but could potentially allow us to critique more manuscripts. The group informally decided “no” for the night but further discussion might be warranted.
4 AUGUST READING LIST
Please review this list for accuracy. If you discover any mistakes or omissions, please let us know in advance of the meeting.
Glenda (7/28)
Melodye (7/28)
Maddie (7/21)
Burt (7/28)
Stace (7/28)
Rosie (7/21)
Lance (7/21)
JoAnne (7/21)
Shari (7/21)
Casey (7/28)
Julia (7/28)
Jonathan (7/28)
21 July meeting notes; 28 July reading list
21 JULY MEETING NOTES
Eleven people attended (that’s more like it): Burt, Casey (read the second chapter of Francine Stein), Glenda, JoAnne (read the beginning of a short story/novella Laundering the Dirt), Jonathan, Lance, Maddie, Melodye, Rosie, Shari (read two chapters from Lost in Dance) and Stace.
News & Notes
Jonathan shared a story structure technique posted in The Intern blog: highlighting a work’s text in different colors depending on the purpose of that text (dialog, action, decisions, etc.). The Intern used a chapter from Hunger Games as an example.
28 JULY READING LIST
Please review this list for accuracy. If you discover any mistakes or omissions, please let us know in advance of the meeting.
Glenda (7/21)
Melodye (7/21)
Maddie (7/21)
Burt (7/21)
Jonathan (7/21)
Stace (7/21)
Rosie (7/21)
Lance (7/21)
JoAnne (7/21)
Shari (7/21)
Casey (7/21)
Julia (6/23)
14 July meeting notes; 21 July reading list
14 JULY MEETING NOTES
The summer swoon continues with eight people attending: Burt, Casey, JoAnne, Lance (read four chapters of Identity), Maddie, Melodye, Rosie (read a new chapter of On Thin Ice) and Stace (read two chapters (!) of City of Bridges — more available on her City of Bridges website).
News & Notes
Glenda passes on the following: Charlotte Mountain of USC is organizing ongoing author events at the Great Park of Irvine’s weekly Sunday farmers’ markets. Space is available for authors to sell their books or stage readings or signings. The ultimate goal is to mount a book fair in October. If you’re interested or want more info, contact Charlotte.
21 JULY READING LIST
Please review this list for accuracy. If you discover any mistakes or omissions, please let us know in advance of the meeting.
JoAnne (7/14)
Glenda (7/7)
Julia (6/23)
Melodye (7/14)
Maddie (7/14)
Shari(7/7)
Burt (7/14)
Casey (7/14)
Jonathan (7/7)
Stace (7/14)
Rosie (7/14)
Lance (7/14)
7 July meeting notes; 14 July reading list
7 JULY MEETING NOTES
Ten people attended: Burt, Casey (read the first chapters of Francine Stein), Glenda, JoAnne, Jonathan (read two chapters of Bummin’ It), Lance (read three chapters of Identity), Maddie, Melodye, Shari and Stace.
News & Notes
A reminder: the next Pen on Fire Writers’ Salon is on 12 July. Check our Events page for details.
14 JULY READING LIST
Please review this list for accuracy. If you discover any mistakes or omissions, please let us know in advance of the meeting.
Stace (7/7)
JoAnne (7/7)
Glenda (7/7)
Julia (6/23)
Melodye (7/7)
Maddie (7/7)
Shari(7/7)
Burt (7/7)
Rosie (6/30)
Casey (7/7)
Lance (7/7)
Jonathan (7/7)
30 June meeting notes; 7 July reading list
30 JUNE MEETING NOTES
Nine people attended: Burt, Casey, Glenda, JoAnne, Jonathan (read an alternate Chapter 1 and the continuation of Chapter 9 of Bummin’ It), Lance (read four chapters of Identity), Maddie, Rosie (read a chapter of On Thin Ice) and Stace.
News & Notes
Jonathan told us about the Twitter hashtag #askagent. This tag allows tweeters to pose open questions to literary agents, who can respond via Twitter. To see recent Q&A results, go to Twitter and search for #askagent.
7 JULY READING LIST
Please review this list for accuracy. If you discover any mistakes or omissions, please let us know in advance of the meeting.
Stace (6/30)
JoAnne (6/30)
Glenda (6/30)
Julia (6/23)
Melodye (6/23)
Maddie (6/30)
Casey (6/30)
Shari(6/23)
Burt (6/30)
Lance (6/30)
Rosie (6/30)
Jonathan (6/30)
23 June meeting notes; 30 June reading list
23 JUNE MEETING NOTES
Nine people attended: Glenda, Melodye, Rosie (read Chapters 5 & 6, On Thin Ice), Shari, JoAnn, Julia, Burt, Casey, and Jonathan (read Chapters 6-8, Bummin’ It).
News & Notes
We’ve returned to our traditional Thursday meeting night at Panera Bread, 2467 Park Avenue, Tustin (in The District at Tustin Legacy). We’ll continue to start at 6:30 PM so we have time for three readings. Consider purchasing a beverage or snack in support of our generous hosts.
Glenda pointed us to this online article about the current market for short stories: http://kriswrites.com/2011/06/22/the-business-rusch-short-stories/.
SCWA is hosting author Dennis Palumbo (WRITING FROM THE INSIDE OUT) at its July gathering. (Maddie and Glenda first heard him speak at one of Barbara de Marco Barrett’s “Pen on Fire” salons in Newport Beach, and both members speak highly of that presentation.) For meeting specifics, visit the SCWA website.
30 JUNE READING LIST
Please review this list for accuracy. If you discover any mistakes or omissions, please let us know in advance of the meeting.
Stace (6/16)
JoAnne (6/23)
Glenda (6/23)
Julia (6/23)
Melodye (6/23)
Maddie (6/2)
Casey (6/23)
Marianna (6/2)
Lance (6/9)
Shari (6/23)
Burt (6/23)
Rosie (6/23)
Jonathan (6/23)
16 June meeting notes; 23 June reading list
16 JUNE MEETING NOTES
Seven people attended: Glenda, Melodye, Rosie, Shari (read two chapters of Lost in Dance, Stace, Burt (read the concluding chapters of Madness of March) and Jonathan.
News & Notes
Important!
PFL returns to Thursdays
Most of the membership had issues with the library, so we’ve returned to our traditional Thursday meeting night at Panera Bread, 2467 Park Avenue, Tustin (in The District at Tustin Legacy). We’ll continue to start at 6:30 PM so we have time for three readings. Yes, you can eat.
Harlequin has paid for universal free access to Publishers Weekly through 30 June. Go to the website, click on Log In, and then click on Free Access at the bottom.
More news about Dear Bully, the anthology to which Melodye has contributed an essay, this time from Publishing Perspectives.
23 JUNE READING LIST
Please review this list for accuracy. If you discover any mistakes or omissions, please let us know in advance of the meeting.
Stace (6/16)
JoAnne (6/9)
Glenda (6/16)
Julia (6/9)
Melodye (6/16)
Maddie (6/2)
Rosie (6/16)
Jonathan (6/16)
Casey (6/9)
Marianna (6/2)
Lance (6/9)
Shari (6/16)
Burt (6/16)
9 June meeting notes; 16 June reading list
9 JUNE MEETING NOTES
Nine people attended: Casey, Glenda, JoAnne, Julia, Lance (read three chapters from Identity), Melodye, Rosie, Shari and Stace.
After some discussion, the members decided to surrender our hold on the library meeting room. We’re committed to Panera.
News & Notes
Important!
PFL returns to Thursdays
Most of the membership had issues with the library, so we’ve returned to our traditional Thursday meeting night at Panera Bread, 2467 Park Avenue, Tustin (in The District at Tustin Legacy). We’ll continue to start at 6:30 PM so we have time for three readings. Yes, you can eat.
Harlequin has paid for universal free access to Publishers Weekly through 30 June. Go to the website, click on Log In, and then click on Free Access at the bottom.
More news about Dear Bully, the anthology to which Melodye has contributed an essay, this time from Publishing Perspectives.
16 JUNE READING LIST
Please review this list for accuracy. If you discover any mistakes or omissions, please let us know in advance of the meeting.
Stace (6/9)
JoAnne (6/9)
Glenda (6/9)
Julia (6/9)
Melodye (6/9)
Shari (6/9)
Burt (6/2)
Maddie (6/2)
Rosie (6/9)
Jonathan (6/2)
Casey (6/9)
Marianna (6/2)
Lance (6/9)
2 June meeting notes; 9 June reading list
2 JUNE MEETING NOTES
A lucky thirteen people attended: Burt, Casey, Glenda, JoAnne, Jonathan (read two chapters of Bummin’ It), Julia, Lance, Maddie, Marianna, Melodye, Rosie (read two chapters of On Thin Ice), Shari and Stace.
News & Notes
Important!
PFL returns to Thursdays.
Most of the membership had issues with the library, so on Thursday, 2 June, we’ll return to our traditional Thursday meeting night at Panera Bread, 2467 Park Avenue, Tustin (in The District at Tustin Legacy). We’ll continue to start at 6:30 PM so we have time for three readings. Yes, you can eat.
News and Notes
The links on our website’s blogroll are just a starter set. If you have a favorite website you think others will find useful, propose it as an addition. Write a couple lines about the site and why it’s good and send it to the admins. Or, register your WordPress username and put up the post yourself.
There’s an addition to our blogroll: Members on Twitter. If you have a Twitter feed and would like it included, let us know.
9 JUNE READING LIST
Please review this list for accuracy. If you discover any mistakes or omissions, please let us know in advance of the meeting.
Stace (6/2)
JoAnne (6/2)
Glenda (6/2)
Julia (6/2)
Melodye (6/2)
Shari (6/2)
Burt (6/2)
Maddie (6/2)
Lance (6/2)
Rosie (6/2)
Jonathan (6/2)
Casey (6/2)
Marianna (6/2)
25 May meeting notes; 2 June reading list
25 MAY MEETING NOTES
Eight people attended: Burt, JoAnne, Julia, Lance (read four chapters of Identity), Maddie (read two chapters of Hit Me), Melodye, Rosie and Shari.
News & Notes
Important!
PFL returns to Thursdays.
Most of the membership had issues with the library, so on Thursday, 2 June, we’ll return to our traditional Thursday meeting night at Panera Bread, 2467 Park Avenue, Tustin (in The District at Tustin Legacy). We’ll continue to start at 6:30 PM so we have time for three readings. Yes, you can eat.
Member Published!
Burt announced that his essay, “Playing Baseball in the Library,” a story about Boyle Heights, has been published in the anthology Western States Jewish History. Congrats Burt!
News and Notes
The links on our website’s blogroll are just a starter set. If you have a favorite website you think others will find useful, propose it as an addition. Write a couple lines about the site and why it’s good and send it to the admins. Or, register your WordPress username and put up the post yourself.
There’s an addition to our blogroll: Members on Twitter. If you have a Twitter feed and would like it included, let us know.
2 JUNE READING LIST
Please review this list for accuracy. If you discover any mistakes or omissions, please let us know in advance of the meeting.
Stace (5/18)
Casey (5/4)
JoAnne (5/25)
Glenda (5/18)
Julia (5/25)
Melodye (5/25)
Jonathan (5/25)
Shari (5/25)
Rosie (5/25)
Burt (5/25)
Maddie (5/25)
Lance (5/25)
18 May Meeting Notes; 25 May Reading Llist
18 MAY MEETING NOTES
10 people attended: Burt (read 4 chs of Madness of March), Glenda, JoAnne, Maddie, Melodye, Rosie (Read 2 chs of On Thin Ice), Shari, Stace, Julia and Jonathan.
News & Notes
Important!
PFL now meets on Wednesdays.
We meet most every Wednesday at 6:30 PM in the Heritage Park branch of OC Public Libraries, 14361 Yale Avenue (@ Walnut Av), Irvine. The meeting room is to your left as you enter the library’s front door. Note that we can bring water and clear drinks, but no coffee or food. CLICK HERE FOR MAP.
PFL will continue to meet at Panera Bread on the 4th Wednesday of the month (25 May this month) for the foreseeable future, when the library isn’t available. Confused? Check this space to keep track of current meeting locations, or contact the PFL admins for help.
Member Published!
Burt announced that his essay, “Playing Baseball in the Library,” a story about Boyle Heights, has been published in the anthology, Western States Jewish History. Congrats Burt!
25 MAY READING LIST
Please review this list for accuracy. If you discover any mistakes or omissions, please let us know in advance of the meeting.
Stace (5/18)
Casey (5/4)
JoAnne (5/18)
Glenda (5/18)
Julia (5/18)
Melodye (5/18)
Jonathan (5/18)
Shari (5/18)
Maddie (5/18)
Lance (5/11)
Rosie (5/18)
Burt (5/18)
11 May meeting notes; 18 May reading list
11 MAY MEETING NOTES
Nine people attended: Burt, Glenda, JoAnne, Lance (read three more chapters of Identity), Maddie (read a chapter of Hit Me), Melodye, Rosie, Shari (read 1.5 chapters of Lost in Dance) and Stace. A lost soul apparently looking for the 4th-Wednesday-of-the-month meeting stayed with us through our meeting…probably not what he was expecting, but he was gracious.
News & Notes
Important!
PFL now meets on Wednesdays.
We meet most every Wednesday at 6:30 PM in the Heritage Park branch of OC Public Libraries, 14361 Yale Avenue (@ Walnut Av), Irvine. The meeting room is to your left as you enter the library’s front door. Note that we can bring water and clear drinks, but no coffee or food. CLICK HERE FOR MAP.
PFL will continue to meet at Panera Bread on the 4th Wednesday of the month (25 May this month) for the foreseeable future, when the library isn’t available. Confused? Check this space to keep track of current meeting locations, or contact the PFL admins for help.
18 MAY READING LIST
Please review this list for accuracy. If you discover any mistakes or omissions, please let us know in advance of the meeting.
Stace (5/11)
Casey (5/4)
JoAnne (5/11)
Glenda (5/11)
Julia (4/28)
Melodye (5/11)
Rosie (5/11)
Burt (5/11)
Jonathan (5/4)
Shari (5/11)
Maddie (5/11)
Lance (5/11)
4 May Meeting Notes; 11 May Reading List
4 MAY MEETING NOTES
Ten people helped us inaugurate out new meeting space: Burt, Casey, Glenda, JoAnne, Jonathan (read a chapter from Bummin’ It), Lance (read three chapters of Identity), Maddie, Melodye, Rosie and Stace.
News & Notes
Important!
PFL now meets on Wednesdays.
Starting Wednesday, 4 May at 6:30 PM, we’ll convene at the Heritage Park branch of OC Public Libraries, 14361 Yale Avenue (@ Walnut Av), Irvine. The meeting room is to your left as you enter the library’s front door. Note that we can bring water and clear drinks, but no coffee or food. CLICK HERE FOR MAP.
PFL will continue to meet at Panera on the 4th Wednesday of the month for the foreseeable future, when the library isn’t available. Confused? Check this space to keep track of current meeting locations, or contact PFL admins for help.
11 MAY READING LIST
Please review this list for accuracy. If you discover any mistakes or omissions, please let us know in advance of the meeting.
Stace (5/5)
Casey (5/4)
JoAnne (5/4)
Glenda (5/4)
Julia (4/28)
Shari (4/28)
Melodye (5/4)
Maddie (5/4)
Rosie (5/4)
Burt (5/4)
Jonathan (5/4)
Lance (5/4)
Finding a Blog Voice
Justine Lee Musk, aka Tribal Writer, regularly has good articles about the art of blogging particularly for writers. Her most recent post, The Art of Discovering + Developing Your Compelling Online Voice (+ Why You Need To), is typical, in that it addresses a lot of issues that new author-bloggers might have, such as building the dreaded “platform”, what you should blog about, and whether you should start blogging before your book is even written. Her advice, though drawn from marketing and PR types, is especially writerly, to match our strengths.
One excerpt that forms the core of the article:
“…Seth Godin recommends that you start marketing your book three years before it comes out. Three years gives you time to cultivate those people formerly known as your audience, so that when the book comes out they are ready and waiting. (a.k.a. your ‘platform’.)
But how do you market a book that doesn’t even exist yet? That maybe hasn’t even been started yet? Especially if the book is supposed to be marketing itself because of its baked-in awesomeness?
Especially if you’re writing fiction?
It might help to reframe what it is you’re selling (and baby, I know it’s not romantic, but in the end we’re all selling something). You are not just selling a book. You are selling your ability to enlighten and entertain the reader through the content you provide….
Which means that you are marketing your unique and distinctive ability to make people feel and think.
And you do that by…providing unique and distinctive online content that makes people feel and think.”
This makes sense to me, and offers some good advice to any of us who are blogging already or thinking about blogging as a means of marketing a novel some day! But go read the rest of the article and then come back and discuss your thoughts….
Pure Fiction League 